A LETTER TO THOSE COLLEGE KIDS FROM YOUR PARENTS

I loved this.

While all of us have been immersed in this financial crisis, we've overlooked an equally important development: it's back to school time – with a lot of young adults leaving their homes for the first time as incoming college freshman.

Now, I don't have kids. But that shouldn't make me any less of an expert. If anything, being childless allows me oodles of time to contemplate how to raise them.

And so, before any son or daughter leaves home, it's vital that the parents offer them sobering advice, which I have devised in this "Letter from Mom and Dad, to the College Freshman."
"Dear (insert name here), together we wish you luck. We are very proud of you, and know you will achieve great things, if you set your mind to it.

But if you return as a vegan, claiming meat is murder while sporting a nose ring and some mystery Asian tattoo stamped on the crack of your ass – you will not be allowed back in our house. Ever. If you want to make a statement by destroying the body God gave you – then go the whole nine yards, cut off your nose and join a carnival freak show. At least that's a tangible career move with strong profit potential.

If, in this short time away from home, you have decided that America is at fault for everything in the world, you will be banned from the dinner table. Instead, you'll be made to sleep in the backyard, crap in a hole you dug yourself while sharing meal scraps with vermin – a fair approximation of what those third world countries your professors admire are like.

We do hope college "opens" your mind, but if you inform us that terrorism is just the powerless speaking to the powerful – then we will blindfold you, tie your arms behind your back and force you to plead for your life. Don't worry – we won't behead you. We'll leave that practice to the powerless.

If, when you come home from school to tell us that the capitalist system is hopelessly corrupt and socialism provides the "only way"– then we ask that you hand over your cell phone, your second-hand car and your credit cards. Practice what you preach, offspring – and reject these trappings of an evil market system. We also want that Ipod we got you for your birthday. But we're wondering: does it play CDs?

Also, if you feel the need to lecture your father about how corrupt corporations are – remember that he worked 30 years at one so he could afford your tuition - despite paying thousands of dollars to the government, propping up programs that did nothing but pamper the friends – and sensibilities - of the messiah, Obama. If, after that, you still feel like lecturing – you will do it naked. Because we will take the clothes off your back and kick you out on your ass. See how life works when everything we worked so hard for...no longer exists.

Finally, if you really think you're an individual – meaning, a person who leads instead of follows – then you should easily resist the indoctrination of your delusional professors, misguided dormies and anyone with artificially colored hair. But if you come home, and suddenly you're "edgy," "leftist" and "angry," claiming that the BS you picked up at the campus coffeehouse is somehow better than the common sense we instilled in you – then you'll need to find new parents.

Don't worry, we'll still love you – we just can't stand you.

Courtesy of:
Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld

http://www.dailygut.com/?i=3972